By Yesenia Flores
Not too long ago, I noticed that women apologize for some of the most unnecessary situations. If you were to stop and pay close attention, you would also recognize that some women say sorry a ridiculous amount of times. I realized I was apologizing far too much after an encounter with an older woman who thankfully set me straight.
Last September, I went to the Ohana Festival in Dana Point to see The Strokes (my favorite band, ever). Without a doubt, the event was jam-packed because of the band’s popularity and people stood shoulder to shoulder. As a group of friends and I waited in the crowd, a woman tapped my arm asking if she could get by me to meet up with her husband who was standing a few feet ahead. Without hesitation, I said, “Oh! Sorry. Go ahead.” and moved out of her way. Almost immediately she smiled wide and replied, “No, don’t be sorry. Why are you sorry? You did nothing wrong. You’re entitled to your space.” I was surprised and felt a sense of enlightenment. Needless to say, The Strokes’ performance was not the only experience that replayed in my head for weeks on end. I contemplated why I was sorry for something that actually did not call for an apology.
I looked toward several of the women in my life and realized many of them did the same. One woman in particular, would apologize and blush immensely when someone would ask her to clear a path. Before a class presentation, another apologized for not wearing makeup and not fixing her hair because she was rushing to class. When a professor would ask if anybody needed them to repeat an explanation, some women would start off with, “Sorry, I do.” At outings, the women I observed first apologized to people before rejecting their advances, “Sorry, no I’m taken” or “Sorry, no thanks.”
Understandably, it’s common sense to be polite, courteous, and apologetic when necessary. Yet, some women do not know the fine line between when it is called for and when it is not. It’s habitual, a bad one at that. Just like nail-biting or slouching while walking, these bad habits can and should be broken off to make room for better ones.
The downside is that society mistakes assertiveness, self-confidence, and being expressive for being rude, bossy, and catty.
“I do notice that I [say sorry] mostly with strangers,” Vanessa Aguilar, a sociology major and graduating senior said. “Like if I’m asking for something I say, ‘Sorry to bother’ when I could easily say, ‘Excuse me, do you have time for a question?’ I think it comes from not wanting to seem rude.”
Just like Aguilar stated, there are more ways than one to ask for something politely without being apologetic because regardless, being kind still matters. You can be considerate of others, ask for what you want, look however you want and not feel the need to make an excuse or be sorry about it.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking up space, looking undone, saying no, and asking questions that need answers. Being over apologetic can undermine one’s portrayal of self-confidence and authority, especially in the workplace.
Since the encounter I had at the festival, I am more self-aware about the number of times I use the word sorry in my vocabulary. It leaves me dumbfounded to realize that it took me so long to take notice of this bad habit. Now, I try to point out if I notice people are using the word improperly and remind them to be intentional with the words they use.
