By Ulises Rodriguez
Just by reading the title, I’m going to let you know that I will suffer the ultimate consequence and get a chancla (sandal) thrown at me. Oh yes, every Mexican’s worst fear until they leave the house their mother runs… the chancla. But who knew that our mother’s artillery practice (which has a 99.9 percent accuracy) was actually toughening us up for the battle we’re currently waging against COVID-19.
Here are some other tricks you may have picked up from your mother, but the first one from your dad, or grandpa, or your crazy uncle (yes, the one that offered you beer when you were just 12 years old),.
I am talking, of course, about he only thing better than confession at putting your soul at ease–and the next morning getting you right back in that confessional: Tequila. Forget stuffing your shopping car with all the toilet paper it can handle, get your mitts on the biggest jugs of the sweet blood of the agave you can find.
If you begin to experience a really bad cough, take a shot of tequila. There is a saying that goes “para la tos” or for the cough. Trust me I don’t know the science behind it, but it somehow works…well tequila fixes anything in general. I consider it my think juice, which is why I use it before exams and when I have to write.
The ultimate remedy to fighting off any sickness is every Mexican mom’s secret weapon, vaporub. Handed down by the gods themselves, vaporub can fight off any problem that arises. You have a bad fever, vaporub. You have a cough, vaporub. You have sexual problems, vapo fucking rub.
I can guarantee there are at least six vaporubs in my home right now. That may sound a bit excessive, but vaporubs are just laying around. Sometimes I wonder how they duplicate in my household like they have some sort of magic to them, or maybe staying in lockdown is finally getting to my sanity.
Now it’s up to you how you want to use vaporub, I know some people eat a tiny portion while others cover their whole body in it. But just do some investigation before you consider eating vaporub.
Students explained how the power of vaporub has helped them.
“The thing that always helps me when I’m sick is vaporub,” Richard Valenzuela, a 21-year-old psychology major said, “Just a little bit on my chest helps if my nose gets clogged.”
Another student expressess how it can literally be used for anything.
“Vaporub is usually used for anything,” Kevin Morales, a biology major student, said. “I use it normally for headaches and fevers by just placing it on my forehead, that’s how I was raised.”
The next holy grail of remedies in the Mexican witchery book of remedies is mother’s sopa de estrellitas (star soup). Somehow this type of soup has steroids or some type of drug in it, that cures any mother freaking sickness, and it’s also good.
Now don’t confuse it with chicken noodle soup because this is star soup. Trust me when I say this, I’m a 23-year-old still eating soup that has star-shaped pasta in it, but fuck it. The soup has powers!
So, if I end up with COVID-19, be aware I will be taking in a lot more tequila than I normally take to fight off the damn diseases because I’m tryna make it 2021.
Also, I’m sure if I were to get COVID-19, my mama would find a way to blame me for contracting it because I was barefoot, didn’t wear a sweater when it’s 80 degrees outside or how my mother would say, “por el pinche Nintendo” (all because of that Nintendo) knowing very well their is no correlation with that. No, but por favor mama no me das un chanclada (please don’t hit me with the sandal).
