The importance of listening, rather than just hearing
Our day-to-day lives are often hectic, characterized by a laundry list of things we must do. Our struggles, needs, and desires can sometimes get in the way of understanding the desires, needs, and struggles of others.
Just as we yearn to be understood, other people also long to be heard, so people should affirm the challenges of others through attentive listening.
In The Lost Art of Listening: How Listening Can Improve Relationships, author Dr. Michael P. Nichols describes receptive listeners as individuals who allow us to say what we think and feel. By hearing and acknowledging others, we assist them in clarifying their thoughts and feelings, firming their sense of self.
One of the most important aspects of listening is empathy. To listen with empathy, the listener must consider another’s point of view, regardless of whether they agree.
Having empathy during arguments, however, can be difficult. Fortunately, there is a roadmap to tackling these moments.
Nichols describes a technique called responsive listening, which allows one to “shift from an adversarial stance, reflexively countering what the other person is saying, to a receptive stance, allowing the other person to express their feelings, while you put yours on hold.”
To accomplish this, one must first check their own impulse to argue back and instead, concentrate on listening to the other person’s perspective.
Second, one should encourage others to express their thoughts, feelings, and desires.
Third, one should use reflective statements to repeat the other person’s position in their own words. This helps to demonstrate that the thoughts and feelings being conveyed have been understood properly.
Fourth, ask the other person to correct your impression or elaborate on their person.
And finally, one should reserve their response until later and ask the other person if they would be willing to hear what you say.
Although I have struggled with these strategies, I have implemented these techniques in recent conversations. For example, I play soccer with a group of friends on Friday nights.
One of my teammates, “Saul,” walked off the field one night complaining about the attitude of our teammate “Marco.” I get along well with Saul and Marco, but I was tempted to take Marco’s side as Saul can sometimes be a bit hot-tempered. I resisted the urge to take sides, and just listened to Saul. Saul then explained that he was upset after Marco told him to “shut up” after he instructed him to move closer to the goal.
I repeated Saul’s story to him to make clear that I heard his complaints and understood them. Then I validated his concerns by saying, “We don’t need to respond negatively when someone respectfully gives an instruction on the pitch.”
The initial impulse to react to Saul’s comments was the most challenging aspect of that interaction, and it will likely be the most taxing element of heated conversations for you as well. But once you fight that initial impulse and give the person you are speaking with room to express themselves, the rest of the conversation will be easier to manage.
